Today's MFM appointment was not great. Every week when I drive in to Harker Heights I spend the majority of my drive praying that everything is fine and that my nerves will be calmed. Today was no different, only I was not prepared to be as floored as I was. Babies heart rates looked good, blood pressure was ok (the top number was a tad higher), and then they measured my cervix...length ranged from 1.3 cm to 1.7 cm - I literally had the doctor repeat the results because I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. Last week was so hopeful with some improvement (2.5 cm to 3.0 cm) and then BAM! Such a drastic drop. It was frustrating, to say the least. I couldn't contain it and burst into tears. She reassured me that this wasn't something I did and that it's something that is common in women carrying twins, but I was still flooded with emotion. She immediately ordered full bed rest (basically I'm allowed to potty when I need to and take quick showers, but the remainder of my days are to be spent on the couch or in bed until further notice) and gave me steroid shots to help speed up our babies lung development since my risk of preterm labor is even higher now.
I don't even really know how to begin describing all that I'm feeling. This entire journey has been about hope and trust and in order to have those things I have to give up control, which is a challenge for me. I've been trying to remind myself of the Lord's truth all day; to rely on that and be encouraged by that, but I'm an emotional being and sometimes I just need a good cry (or several)!
Preterm labor scares me some. I want these babies to stay inside me awhile longer and grow healthy and strong. God has his hands on them and has a plan and a purpose for them - I need to trust in that.
Although bed rest will be good for me and the babies, it's hard to be ok with it. To give up my responsibilities to another is hard, especially regarding Josiah. I've already been feeling like I'm losing some of my authority over him as his parent - I worry that bed rest will only make that worse. I don't want to be secluded from my family and let someone else essentially raise him for the time being. I'm mom, that's my job!
I've never been really good at asking for help - I like to figure things out on my own a lot of the time. So I'm continuing to struggle with relying on others to help. One of the worst questions for me to answer right now is "How can I help?" and one of the worst statements for me to respond to is "Let me know if there is anything I can do." Half the time I don't know what things will help and the other half is I don't want to be a burden; there HAS to be a way that me and my husband can figure out a way to deal with this and still take care of Josiah. I know, ridiculous. God gave us a village; a community. USE THEM, DUH. Please love me through this time and try to understand who I am and that God is changing me. It overwhelms me to come up with a list of ways for people to help my family out - it makes me feel selfish or self-involved and that is so not me. I know my feelings aren't truth, but it's going to take me a bit to find the strength to lean on the help God provides us. It's not personal, promise.
Currently, I am thankful Richard has the rest of the week off so he can help and that gives us time to arrange plans for his mom and my mom to come out to help take care of Josiah.
Please pray for:
-Bed rest to help lengthen things and show improvement as well as keep these babies cooking for awhile longer
-My emotions and spiritual encouragement - that giving up control will come more easily to me. It will be better for everyone if I'm not stressing myself out over things I can't control.
-Be ok with people in my space and helping.
-My sweet husband. Give him good rest and enough energy to manage everything until long term help arrives. Oh and the sanity he needs to manage me and my emotions.
The Lord has provided so much for us already on so many levels - physical, emotional, and spiritual. I need to trust that He will continue to do so. That he will use his people to uplift us and pray for us.
Oh and that I'd get visitors every once and awhile because I ain't leaving this house for awhile.
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