Week 29: Admitted for Monitoring

Here we are, week 29, and it's been a very emotional day! After a pretty good check up with my OB yesterday, today was not as I was expecting. I went in for my weekly MFM appointment as usual. Babies looked great just as they always do. It's my darn cervix that won't cooperate. Today they could not get any measurements of my cervix - as in, it was too short to measure. Instead they discovered I am dilated about 0.5cm, which sounds like no big deal to some (heck, I walked around at 3cm for a couple months when I was pregnant with Josiah before I ever went into labor), but when you're carrying multiples and have the high risk factors I've had, it's cause for concern. So I was told that I needed to be admitted to the hospital to be monitored...for who knows how long. Thankfully it was not an emergency, so I had time to go home and pack a bag and drive down to Austin.

Let me pause here and say that there is much to be thankful for. We have some awesome friends who are so willing to help in any way, especially with Josiah. I am thankful my mom was with me at the appointment - yes, there's been a lot of crying today. And just the amount of prayers being sent up by friends and family has been encouraging. Seriously. So grateful.

As I said, I needed to head to Austin to be admitted. Seton Medical Center does not have a NICU facility. My doctor mentioned Scott & White as an option, but we ultimately decided on St. David's North Austin Medical Center - this is where all my MFM doctors are; they know us, they know our history. This makes things a little more complicated as it's 45 minutes away from home, but we're taking it one day at a time. Right now, my mom is here with me, Josiah is with a friend, and Richard is about to get off work to come be with me (he had a pretty full schedule today and couldn't get away until later in the day). He will probably stay the night with me and we'll see what happens tomorrow. We could be here for a couple of days or it could be weeks, we don't know yet.

So what have they done since I was admitted? They hooked me up to some fetal monitors to track the babies and my contractions - the nurse preferred to call them "irritations" since they aren't very strong and basically a blip on the screen. I had more blood drawn for some lab work and an IV put in, but is not being used yet. They gave me some medicine to help relax my uterus to keep the contractions away and I get to wear these lovely compression wraps on my legs to help prevent blood clots since I'm on bedrest still.

We are prayerful that the Lord will keep these girls safe and healthy and inside for a little longer. At this point the babies look great and we should be grateful we've already had one round of steroid shots. Their main concern right now is making sure I don't go into preterm labor and that I'm safe and healthy. Please pray with us. God is so much bigger than my fear and uncertainty. He will be my strength and my comfort. He has a plan and it is perfect.

(I will read those last few sentences often as a reminder. Because, hello. Hormones.)

Week 28: Nursery & News

Week 28: Baby A just chillin' (bottom) and Baby B throwing up peace signs (top)

Well, I managed to survive my first week of bedrest. The first couple of days weren't too bad, then the boredom and monotony of it all sank in. It was such a God-thing that Richard's furlough was the remainder of that week. Having him home and taking care of things helped make the transition much easier for me. Plus, I really enjoyed watching him and Josiah have some good quality time together - as exhausting as it was for him, I'm sure he loved it too.

The out-pouring of love from our friends has amazed me! For that first week, we did not have to worry about a single meal as we were provided for almost each night (the other nights we had plenty of leftovers). I've had a few visitors, which has really helped break up the moments of boredom. And the thoughtfulness for us and Josiah is astounding - that kid has been showered with love as well with new toys and little activities to keep him busy. He and I had some good times coloring together and snuggling on the couch. It was precious time spent.

Over the weekend I allowed myself to go upstairs ONCE to help finish up the nursery for the twins. I directed where things needed to be hung and where to place certain items. Getting it done was two-fold: I was dying to have it ready so I could cross it off my list AND we needed it to be a less cluttered, usable space for our visitors to sleep.

So here we are, the nursery is pretty much done (minus a few more needed items to purchase)!

One VERY full closet for two very blessed little girls!

Cribs complete with coordinating baby blankets a friend made along with matching letter art I made

More clothes in that dresser and changing station

Simple wall decor and the glider where I envision rocking these sweet littles

It's a small space, but it's perfect! I sat in there for a bit afterwards to take it all in and pray for our girls. I wish I could do that everyday, but the Lord knows my heart.

For someone on bedrest, my week is filling up! Monday Richard's mom arrived from Georgia to help out with Josiah and such for a week. My mom is driving from Oregon (leaving Thursday, will arrive Sunday or Monday) and will be here until after the girls arrive to help out. Yes, a long visit, but we've already been pretty open about expectations when communicating and getting over getting on each other's nerves ;) I've got a few days this week when I'll have some friends stop by to visit - so thankful! I sure do miss seeing my people!

It was nice to get out of the house for a bit this morning for my MFM appointment. A quiet drive in the car and some new scenery does a heart good. I was especially anxious about my appointment as I was hopeful there'd be some improvement in my status. I was pretty disappointed when I found out there wasn't, but I held it together - no crying! ...until I got home. Last week I was measuring at 1.3cm to 1.7cm and this week I was measuring 1.0cm to 1.4cm, which in doctor world is "about the same" since they don't really read too much into the minor millimeter differences. I, on the other hand, look at it very differently. I couldn't dwell on it too much when I was talking to my doctor because he brought up a couple other things. My blood pressure was a bit high again this week and since it had been like that for a couple weeks he wanted to do some lab tests for pre-eclampsia to be sure. So, I went across the hall to my OB's office and had blood drawn for that. He encouraged me to lay down a bit more if possible to make sure I'm keeping as much pressure off my cervix as possible. I will probably have to spend more time in bed than on the couch, sadly. I've been avoiding doing that only because I don't want to feel isolated at all - I still want to be around my son and feel like I'm a part of things, so this will be even more difficult emotionally.

He saved the baby info for last. Their heartbeats were good, as usual. They are growing well - each one weighs about 2lbs 12ounces now. They checked for their practice breathing and they're doing well with that. They also checked their umbilical cord flow. Baby A was great, but Baby B had some interruption, which the doctor explained can be normal with twins. He told me since the umbilical cord is like a hose, certain movement or baby's position can put pressure on the cord/limit flow to the baby. He said he wasn't too concerned about it and that we'll look again next week.

Y'all. I'm overwhelmed. The reality of these girls being born so early is starting to sink in. I'm frustrated. I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do! I don't want a short cervix. I don't want pre-eclampsia. I don't want to meet them until they are grown. I don't want them in the NICU. Yet, I know God is good and that he has a plan for them and it's going to be ok. I have to keep trusting that. I have to keep His hope in my heart. His word; His truth will sustain me.

Please pray:
-For my time on bedrest - my emotional well-being along with it physically helping me and my body
-For the babies - they continue growing well and that no further issues with umbilical cord flow
-For a negative result for pre-eclampsia and that my blood pressure will stabilize
-For my emotions regarding Josiah - he's excited grandma is here, but as I was expecting he's testing me more by not obeying as well, being manipulative, and really not wanting anything to do with me (I've cried a few times because he's refused to even sit by me or want mommy to do anything). Again, I know this was expected, but it sure hurts my heart when I already feel like I'm giving over my authority as mom.
-For the hubby - that he will be encouraged, strengthened, and refreshed while dealing with my emotions as well as the grandmas staying with us and helping. It can be overwhelming to have people in your space for a time.
-For the Lord to give me strength as we tackle each day and each piece of news through this journey - that others will see Him through our story

Week 27: Some Not So Great News

What a whirlwind of emotions today has been! I will say right now that I'm still processing everything and may seem a bit all over the place. So here we go...

Today's MFM appointment was not great. Every week when I drive in to Harker Heights I spend the majority of my drive praying that everything is fine and that my nerves will be calmed. Today was no different, only I was not prepared to be as floored as I was. Babies heart rates looked good, blood pressure was ok (the top number was a tad higher), and then they measured my cervix...length ranged from 1.3 cm to 1.7 cm - I literally had the doctor repeat the results because I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. Last week was so hopeful with some improvement (2.5 cm to 3.0 cm) and then BAM! Such a drastic drop. It was frustrating, to say the least. I couldn't contain it and burst into tears. She reassured me that this wasn't something I did and that it's something that is common in women carrying twins, but I was still flooded with emotion. She immediately ordered full bed rest (basically I'm allowed to potty when I need to and take quick showers, but the remainder of my days are to be spent on the couch or in bed until further notice) and gave me steroid shots to help speed up our babies lung development since my risk of preterm labor is even higher now.

I don't even really know how to begin describing all that I'm feeling. This entire journey has been about hope and trust and in order to have those things I have to give up control, which is a challenge for me. I've been trying to remind myself of the Lord's truth all day; to rely on that and be encouraged by that, but I'm an emotional being and sometimes I just need a good cry (or several)!

Preterm labor scares me some. I want these babies to stay inside me awhile longer and grow healthy and strong. God has his hands on them and has a plan and a purpose for them - I need to trust in that.

Although bed rest will be good for me and the babies, it's hard to be ok with it. To give up my responsibilities to another is hard, especially regarding Josiah. I've already been feeling like I'm losing some of my authority over him as his parent - I worry that bed rest will only make that worse. I don't want to be secluded from my family and let someone else essentially raise him for the time being. I'm mom, that's my job!

I've never been really good at asking for help - I like to figure things out on my own a lot of the time. So I'm continuing to struggle with relying on others to help. One of the worst questions for me to answer right now is "How can I help?" and one of the worst statements for me to respond to is "Let me know if there is anything I can do." Half the time I don't know what things will help and the other half is I don't want to be a burden; there HAS to be a way that me and my husband can figure out a way to deal with this and still take care of Josiah. I know, ridiculous. God gave us a village; a community. USE THEM, DUH. Please love me through this time and try to understand who I am and that God is changing me. It overwhelms me to come up with a list of ways for people to help my family out - it makes me feel selfish or self-involved and that is so not me. I know my feelings aren't truth, but it's going to take me a bit to find the strength to lean on the help God provides us. It's not personal, promise.

Currently, I am thankful Richard has the rest of the week off so he can help and that gives us time to arrange plans for his mom and my mom to come out to help take care of Josiah.

Please pray for:
-Bed rest to help lengthen things and show improvement as well as keep these babies cooking for awhile longer
-My emotions and spiritual encouragement - that giving up control will come more easily to me. It will be better for everyone if I'm not stressing myself out over things I can't control.
-Be ok with people in my space and helping.
-My sweet husband. Give him good rest and enough energy to manage everything until long term help arrives. Oh and the sanity he needs to manage me and my emotions.

The Lord has provided so much for us already on so many levels - physical, emotional, and spiritual. I need to trust that He will continue to do so. That he will use his people to uplift us and pray for us.

Oh and that I'd get visitors every once and awhile because I ain't leaving this house for awhile.

Week 26

Definitely been rather uncomfortable the past several days and this picture shows the reason - the girls have been growing! Had my MFM appointment today and discovered Baby A is about 2 lbs 4 ounces and Baby B is weighing in at 2 lbs 1 ounce! Just a couple weeks ago they were each about a 1 lb and a half - they've been busy, busy! The ultrasound tech gave me some more detailed pictures this week, which was really nice.

Baby A

Might be hard to tell, but this Baby A's face. She was folded in half and curled up, so getting a good shot of her was difficult. Her hand is up by her forehead and her leg and foot are folded across her body.

Baby B

Hello, Baby B! That's her arm straight up beside her face (and baby A right up against her arm). That little nose and those cheeks! Both girls take after their brother in that department!

It was so neat and comforting to see them in 4D this week. As my mother would say "they are so real!" Well thank goodness I've been growing real babies versus fake ones for the past 6 months!

P.S. I love you, mom ;)

We got some good news this week regarding my cervix - thank you, Jesus! All my measurements were between 2.5 cm and 3.0 cm, which is improvement from last week. I'm not sure what to attribute to that other than the Lord's goodness and maybe the rest I've been getting. Praying this improvement continues, as having it fluctuate from week to week is rather taxing on this hormonal momma! This also means they're holding off on the steroid shots - that will be revisited again next week if my numbers get smaller again.

Needless to say, I'm in a good mood today. No tears on the drive home - hooray! Instead I was imagining holding them in my arms at 36 weeks old (at least) and kissing those chubby cheeks. I want so badly to provide them a comfortable environment in my body so they will continue to grow and thrive before greeting us in person. Hold on, girls, just a little bit longer!

I've been trying to rest as much as possible and to know when I need to stop or when something is too much. I'm kind of a bad gauge at this because I'm so type A and like to take care of things. I've been a tad more emotional the past few days as a result - I hate feeling like a lazy mom and wife. I know I'm not. Really, I do know this. It can just be hard for me to give up control in certain areas, especially when it involves taking care of my family - my job; my life; my loves. I think having felt so uncomfortable this past weekend was a good thing for me. It forced me to freely say "no, I'm going to sit on the couch and do nothing the majority of the day" and BE OKAY WITH IT. God knows me. He knows I can't control this and he knows I hate that I can't control this. He also knows that's when I open my eyes and realize (yet again. sigh.) who I need to be relying on. Funny how he tends to teach me to same lesson over and over through various journey's...you'd think I'd get it by now. But I know I've grown in relationship with Him, in hope, at least a little bit each time. He's always there. So grateful for that love.

Some days, watching J is a breeze and others can be a bit more challenging - as is with any toddler! I love that my husband works from home. It's rather comforting knowing he's right there if I ever need him for anything. J and I have been getting a little stir crazy lately though. Tired of being on the couch, in the living room, watching tv, and playing with low key toys. So, yesterday I asked hubby to get his water table out of the shed. J and I filled it up. Mommy sat in a chair on the patio and enjoyed the beautiful weather and sounds of a happy, almost naked little boy splashing in the water. It may not be much, but it was enough. For both of us.

Before the clothes came off...

I purposely don't plan a whole lot during the week anymore - it's all in an effort to try not to over-schedule my life when I should be taking it easy. Random play dates here and there I can totally handle, but my normal "to-do" lists have gone bye-bye for the time being. This coming weekend I'm hoping to get decor up on the walls in the nursery and have the hubby finish putting together some furniture...then hopefully I can post some pictures! We're also planning a date night. We haven't been out on a date in a couple months. Definitely going to keep it simple and probably just go see a movie and grab a bite to eat somewhere. We just need time together. So looking forward to it!