The Back Story
Two and half years ago we welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. I can still recall the day I found out I was pregnant. There were lots of tears. Real sobbing tears. This was not supposed to happen yet - we had a plan! Needless to say, baby J was a surprise. We were preventing pregnancy and ended up getting pregnant anyway. This was my first firm reminder that God is in control regardless of any other kind of plan I had in mind. Once I came to terms with the fact that we were going to have a baby and that everything would be OK because God will take care of our needs, I was joyful and fell in love with this little guy. Let me just say, he has stolen a huge part of my heart. I have the pleasure of getting to stay home with him and I have loved getting to experience every little moment with him watching him learn and grow.
The Here and Now
We've always talked about having children relatively close in age - a couple years apart maybe. So last summer we actually started trying. This was all new to us as J was not planned, so I tried the best I could to prepare myself for the possibility it wouldn't happen the first month. A couple months went by and I was a mess. Me, the person with a plan and following it to the T, and nothing was happening. The frustration and emotions were taking a toll on me - I wanted this to happen soon; I wanted it so badly and had been praying for this! I decided to scale back on playing the numbers game and watching the calendar so closely - I had to let go a little bit...and I could so see God chuckling to himself. Who's in control? Definitely not me. Yet another not-so-gentle reminder. A few more months passed and I was still feeling pretty discouraged when a friend of mine shared a verse with me:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13 (NIV)
I also love this translation:
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13 (NLT)
This verse is posted in my kitchen. I read it every single day as a reminder to stay hopeful. It is my daily prayer. I've spent a number of times in frustration because I couldn't understand why we weren't pregnant yet - I'm pretty sure everything is in working order and then there's our firstborn who we didn't even try for, why hasn't this happened for us yet? After reading this verse I knew I needed to change my focus. My time with God needed to be more evident. I needed to trust in Him and his timing. I needed to be HOPEFUL instead of discouraged. Where do I get my hope? In Him. Yes, my husband has been a wonderful encourager and the few friends that are aware of our journey have been such precious sounding boards and prayer warriors for us, but the Lord is the only one who has carried me through each day. He is there each time I watch my son play with my friends' babies and my heart aches for a baby brother or sister for him. Each time another friend announces they're expecting - I am beyond thrilled for them, but oh how it tugs at my heart wishing I was the one announcing that very thing. Each time I'm shopping for new clothes for J and I walk by the infant outfits and have to force myself to walk away before I get too sentimental over a onesie. Each time I feel guilt for wanting another child when there are people out there that are struggling to have their first. It has been one year and two months and I continue to strive to be hopeful in my waiting. My God has been so faithful to me and my family. He is my source of hope. Everyday.
*Currently we are waiting for my Ob appointment in September before we can find out what our next step is. Again, more waiting. I call each week to see if there have been any cancellations in hopes I can get in earlier, but so far no luck. If you would like, please pray for my family's journey through this process. We don't know the Lord's plan, but we know how big our God is and what he will do for his children. We continue to hold on to the promise of having another child. Our deepest thanks.
