Week 16: Genders & Other News

My sweet boy wanted in on the baby bump photo this week

This has been a week of anticipation, mixed emotions (hello hormones!), and some worrisome information that I'm learning to lean on the Lord through. Let's just start from the beginning...

This past Tuesday was my monthly MFM (high risk) appointment. I was excited as we anticipated finding out the genders of these two littles. I knew it was a little early in pregnancy, but was very hopeful. I tried so hard not to get too attached to the idea we'd find out - didn't want to set myself up for disappointment if they were unable to tell. The few nights leading up to appointment day I had the same dream more than once. Both the same outcome. Both revealing the genders to our small group friends that it was a boy and a girl. My hearts desire. I had been praying for a baby brother for Josiah and a little girl for myself. Selfish? Maybe a little, but I wasn't totally naive to the fact that God may have other plans. My job was to ask God for peace with whatever the genders were. I knew I needed it. The peace. I did not want to feel disappointment once we knew.

I arrived at my morning appointment feeling a bit anxious. I will say it's nice to go in the morning to these appointments - hardly any wait time at all. Compare that to my 2 hour wait at my last appointment. I was pleased. Blood pressure was borderline (could have been nerves). Then the sonographer came in to check on the littles. I told her I'd really love to find out genders if possible, so she gave it her best effort. Baby A was in a goofy position (curled up with head down and legs up in the air - very hard to see the parts with certainty). Baby B was very cooperative and she could tell with certainty the gender. Even with only knowing one gender for sure and a getting a partial view/"pretty sure" with the other, we still wanted to share with friends. Drumroll please...

Twin GIRLS!!

I had mixed emotions when I found out. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely excited about having girls. My disappointment was for Josiah. He's my first baby and I just really wanted him to have a baby brother. Then I went to shock - am I going to be a good mommy to TWO GIRLS and a boy?! All the drama?! I think I still have these thoughts, but they're not as drenched in panic.

After the ultrasound I had to have another one done of my cervix. My usual MFM doctor was not there, so a different doctor came in to talk with me about the results of that. So, both babies are most likely fraternal because they each have their own sac that's separated by a membrane and their own placenta (although a test after their born is actually the only 100% way to know - unless of course it was one boy and one girl). What the doctor shared with me, rather nonchalantly, was that one of the placenta was low on my cervix. That's exactly how she explained it. She told me not to worry, that it should move up as the baby grows, and that we'll check again at the next appointment in February. Ok, I know they say not to worry, but hello it's me. I'm going to worry just a little (at least). At the time I wasn't totally sure what exactly it all meant, therefore I didn't really think too much of it.

On my way home I stopped at Kohl's to pick up two little girl outfits to tell Richard (since he wasn't able to come to the appointment with me). He's thought it was two girls all along, so he wasn't too surprised when I told him. I'm pretty excited to see him be a daddy to two girls. Oh my heart. We decided to tell our small group the next evening and I will be honest, I was glad to have a day to absorb all this information. Having that time allowed me to show some excitement for having two little girls and imagine what a great and protective big brother Josiah will be. Revealing the genders to our small group was great! I just wrapped up the outfits in gift bags and had a couple friends open them. It was fun to see their excitement!

This morning I received a phone call from my OB's office. They were calling to make sure I was aware of the previa. I had no idea what she was talking about and I had no problem telling her that. She explained to me that the ultrasound of my cervix showed partial placenta previa. Again, I was told there's no concern, which I understand there's no immediate concern, but I still can't help but feel a little anxious about it all. Since it's still early in the pregnancy, there's a good chance that as the baby grows the placenta will move up and all is good. We continue to pray for that to happen. If it doesn't then it brings extra complications to an already high risk pregnancy. I've learned the Lord is still working in me through this circumstance - the lessons and spiritual growth didn't stop once we became pregnant. He is my hope and the one to trust in. I'm very grateful for being able to see that, otherwise I'd be a mess. He will see us through and we're prayerful both babies and mommy are safe and healthy.

Next on my to-do list, coming up with baby names. It's rather overwhelming to find two girl names that go together, but aren't too matchy matchy. And the middle names. Ugh. I've had one picked out for years, but now I need to find a second one! I've got time. I've already had fun looking at all the girl clothes when shopping. I'm sure I will want to match them at times (they are twins!), but I also like looking at all the cute outfits that compliment another. This is going to be so much fun...and probably get me in a lot of trouble!! I'm also thinking of nursery ideas and am pretty sure on a wall color already. I'm telling you, I want to be prepared early because who knows what's going to happen!

I know I can be wordy, so maybe next week's post will short and sweet! ;)

Week 14. Birthday Celebrations. Week 15.

Life. Is. Crazy. I know it will only get crazier when these littles arrive, but it sure has been difficult keeping up with my weekly updates this time around. January is always a busy month for us - packing up Christmas stuff, planning and prepping Josiah's birthday party, and finding time to celebrate my birthday with friends and family. Josiah's usually takes over mine, but I don't mind having a low key, simple get together.

I'll try and do this update in the order that it all happened...

Week 14
I hadn't been feeling the twins move a whole lot, but I started noticing a pattern of feeling them in the evenings. This week I hadn't noticed at all and it kind of made me wonder worry. I didn't think about it too much though. My mom was arriving later in the week for birthdays, so I had plenty to keep my mind occupied...cleaning, party favors, party shopping, party, party, party!

(no baby bump photo...unless you count the snapshots from birthday celebrations)

I decided I wanted to do brunch with just some girlfriends the morning of Josiah's party. I wasn't sure if it'd be too much for one day, but it was actually pretty perfect. I am so very grateful for the ladies in my life. They are my family away from family. My community. My village. God is good.

Sound the Alarm! Josiah turns 3 years old!
Friday was his actual birthday, but we were having his party on Saturday. I had this great plan to have it at a local fire station - several friends in the past year had their sons party there and I loved the idea! I was looking for inexpensive, simple, fun and this was the perfect thing for our little boy! So many of his little buddies came out to celebrate, it was wonderful!

Birthday donut on his actual birthday

His birthday shirt I made and those awesome fire truck shoes to match!

Sunday was my birthday, which I had reserved for family time. We went out to eat at PF Changs in Austin. I had never been and it was delicious. I made sure to go on an empty stomach. Loved getting to celebrate with my little family and my mom. It's been nice having a birthday close to Josiah's, so she has an excuse to come out!

Dinner at PF Changes. Turning 31 never tasted so good!

Week 15
It had been such a busy weekend! I was looking forward to some down time. Luckily I had my OB appointment Monday morning while my mom was still here. I was just expecting to hear heartbeats, but my OB likes to use the ultrasound machine to view the heartbeats - less guesswork on what you're hearing, especially when there's two littles in there. It was a nice surprise that my mom got to see the twins rather than just hear them :)

Little noggins

This is the first appointment Josiah has been to. He's a very active little boy and he had been extremely difficult while gramma was here (testing every limit = not being obedient to mommy and daddy). I was dreading him coming with us, but I knew my mom could handle him. Plus, it was kind of fun to get to show him the "two babies in mommy's tummy" for the first time. He still doesn't really know what's going on, but he knows something is different. One of the twins was very active during the ultrasound - put my worry at ease for sure - and both heartbeats were good. Also, my blood pressure was normal (praise God!).We ended up going to Motherhood after my appointment because I needed some basic shirts to further my maternity wardrobe. I ended up getting a few that I can dress up and accessorize with scarves and jewelry. We're going for comfort here. My back is already starting to hurt, especially if I stand for a longer period of time. I don't know if it's because this is my second pregnancy or it's because it's twins, but I can feel the stretching and growing of these littles a lot more than I ever remember with Josiah. Sometimes it's fairly uncomfortable. I definitely notice when my belly has grown overnight!

We had a great time with my mom while she was here. There were some moments that were really tough dealing with Josiah's behavior. It made me worry a little about when she's out here this summer to help with the twins, how he'll behave for us. I'm praying that the time between now and then will help him mature a little and us as parents can be even more consistent with discipline. It's going to be such a transitional time for him (and everyone) and I want to be able to parent him well still as well as make him feel special and included. I have so many prayers for my boy during this time of just the three of us. So many prayers.

Brunch at Kerby Lane Cafe in Austin before dropping gramma off at the airport

Next week I have my MFM (high rish) appointment. I'm prayerful we'll be able to find out genders - here's to hoping the littles will cooperate! Richard may get to go with me. If he does, we will also bring Josiah. I would love to have them there when we find out genders. I'm also really eager to get started planning the nursery and stuff. One thing I've heard a lot with twins (and is already kind of in my nature) is to be as prepared as you can! I'm all about getting done what I can as early as I can before it gets too difficult or if certain things complicate it (bed rest, twins coming early, etc.). Along with finding out genders, another prayer I have is peace. I've been praying for a boy and a girl, but I also know that the Lord will give us what he sees fit. I want to be at peace with that. Whether it's two boys, two girls, or one of each. Trust. Just trust.

Hopefully I'll have some exciting news to share next week! Stay tuned...

Week 13

I probably should be fired from the internet for posting a bathroom selfie of my baby bump, but let's face it, with a toddler running around, I won't get a whole lot of opportunities to set up my tripod and post a real photo of myself. This will have to do. Toddler smudges on the mirror and all.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with the twins now! My belly is getting bigger - a lot sooner than it did with J. I've been sick since Christmas with this congestion/allergy thing. It makes for a good nights sleep hard to find :( I'm already starting to feel aches in my back and shoulders. It's not too terrible, but boy, am I exhausted by 8pm! The nausea continues to disappear for days then magically show up again and hang around for a few days. Usually during nap time, so much doesn't get done around the house. I haven't actually been sick, so I can't complain too much, right?

A week or so ago I thought I could feel movement. This week I've noticed a little more. It's usually in the evening when I'm sitting on the couch trying to relax. It feels like little gas bubbles, especially after I press my tummy in certain spots. So fun! It'll be exciting, and I'm sure very weird, when they're a bit bigger and start really moving.

I've already had some weird pregnancy dreams, even before we found out it was twins - something about the baby being a spider. Yes, a spider. Last weekend I had a kind of scary dream and woke up crying. My poor husband. It felt very real and it kind of freaked me out - there was something wrong with Baby B and we lost it. I'm sure it's just my own little worry that stemmed from the sonographer having a hard time getting a good look at B at my ultrasound, even though she said everything looked fine and heart beat was good. My double hormonal self can't handle vivid dreams like this! I remember praying that morning after I calmed down. And various times throughout this week too. He will bring me peace and comfort.

In other news, we crossed off our biggest pre-twins expense this past weekend. We bought a minivan!

We were planning on buying a new (to us) car in April or May, but we stumbled across this great deal and couldn't pass it up! I always said I'd never own a minivan; that I'd drive a big SUV instead. Yeah, well with gas and insurance expenses, that's not going to happen. Minivan it is! Let me tell you, I actually love the practicality and functionality of it. It's so easy getting J in and out and as I get bigger it will be so much easier for ME to get in and out as it's lower to the ground...and the leather seats add to the comfort of driving it. It's still pretty surreal. When I'm driving around town I often catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror with rows of seats behind me and think, I'm driving a freaking minivan!" It's actually pretty great.

Next week is J's birthday and my birthday and my mom is flying in for a visit. It will be great to have the company and the help at his party. She'll also get to go to my next OB appointment and hear the heartbeats, all the while taming a wild 3 year old in the office. That should be fun!

Prayers for continued health and growth with the babies are appreciated. Along with the prayers that my worries be few and my trust grow as these littles grow inside me.

Confession: I'm (sorta) terrified & Week 12

Well this post is a week late as I was fighting some serious cedar fever/sinus congestion during the week of Christmas. Not fun, especially when there's very little to take to get some relief. The netti pot will be my friend during this pregnancy!

We are so incredibly excited and grateful to the Lord for answering our prayers, sustaining us through hope while we waited, and giving us the work to raise up more children, but I'm a bit terrified about this pregnancy and how twins will change our lives. So I want to lay it all out on the table. I think it might help me. To pray more. To worry less. Because, oh my gosh we're going to be a family of FIVE! So here goes...

I'm afraid of growing two babies. I'm afraid of what it will do to my body - all the stretching and discomfort.

I'm afraid of bed rest. Because, toddler.

I'm afraid I'm not getting the right nutrients or that I'm eating too much or (could it be possible?) not eating enough - and that somehow I'm already failing them.

I'm afraid they'll both be girls.

I'm afraid they'll both be boys.

I'm afraid I'll give birth too early.

I'm afraid I'll go to 38 weeks.

I'm afraid they'll have to stay in the NICU. I'm afraid of coming home without my babies.

I'm afraid of breastfeeding - that my body cannot keep up with the demands of such a task. I was unable to breastfeed Josiah - I'm afraid of the guilt I'll feel yet again.

I'm afraid of the cost - diapers, formula, baby clothes, furniture, carseats, a new, bigger car, all the things!

I'm afraid I won't be able to parent Josiah the way he needs, that he'll feel rejection at such a young age, and that he might resent me or the babies or both.

I'm afraid I won't allow a ton of help.

I'm afraid I'll depend too much on the help then be SOL when the help is gone and I've gotta do this on my own.

I'm afraid I'll never sleep again.

I'm afraid we'll never get to travel again to see family.

And there. Now I've said it.

Confession is good for the soul. Yes, yes it is.

And hear me, I know: God. Sovereign. Do not worry. Trust and obey. Jesus.

I know all of that.

That's why I have to whisper this to you in the quiet of a confessional instead of just being normal about it, because I know that it's not very Christian to be all up-at-night-terrified. I know.

But I just had to have this moment, this one dark, hushed moment behind a curtain, bowing my head next to a screen to confess it all. Thank you for hearing me.

I'm now in week 12 of this pregnancy and starting to feel a bit more energy. I've not been sick, but more dealing with a random and lingering nausea. I've had to change the frequency in which I eat and that has helped keep the nausea away for now. Hopefully it's gone for good!

One requirement for a pregnancy with multiples is seeing a high risk doctor as well as your regular OB. A couple of days ago I had my first high risk doctor appointment. Aside from the tremendously long wait (I arrived at my appointment time of 12:30, waited 2 hours before being seen, then the ultrasound took longer than I thought, so I wasn't able to walk out the door until about 3:45 to come home), things look good. *note: the high risk doctors come up from Austin once a week, so there will be a wait at these appointments as they try to see as many people as possible - I was warned about this prior*

I get to see my babies every month and then every week once I hit 32 weeks.

My babies. I'm choosing to ignore the financial cost of all these ultrasounds because I'd rather find comfort in getting to see them every month. I got to hear their heart beats this time. So precious.

The sonographer took a ton of measurements. I was offered the first trimester screen testing for genetic disorders like down syndrome. Richard and I had decided against it at our last appointment. It won't change our minds about anything and we're trusting the Lord that we will have healthy little ones. Once the doctor came in to talk with me and informed me that even the genetic stuff is at higher risk in a multiples pregnancy, I started to second guess our decision. I think that's just the worry creeping in. This pregnancy is already so different than my last and I'm still trying to adjust to it. The good news is, they both looked good and right on track with where they should be. My blood pressure was borderline that day - it's something I have to watch as I'm more at risk for pre-eclampsia and preterm labor among other things. I had slightly high blood pressure the majority of my pregnancy with Josiah, but the doctor wasn't too concerned. Aside from the huge weight gain, I had a pretty good pregnancy and felt good. I'm trusting this is just a precaution and that everything will be fine - need to get in some exercise and make sure I'm eating well. Easier said than done some days.

I don't have a baby bump picture for this week, but I'm already showing (and feeling) like I'm a little further along. A little back ache every once and awhile, but other than that, I'm feeling good. Sleep has been a little better. I need to drink more water earlier in the day because I'm getting up way too much at night to potty!

Again, I say how thankful we are for these miracles. All fears aside. For as long as God allows, I will do my very best to mother my second and third children. They are real and they are His and they are ours and we are blessed.