Confession: I'm (sorta) terrified & Week 12

Well this post is a week late as I was fighting some serious cedar fever/sinus congestion during the week of Christmas. Not fun, especially when there's very little to take to get some relief. The netti pot will be my friend during this pregnancy!

We are so incredibly excited and grateful to the Lord for answering our prayers, sustaining us through hope while we waited, and giving us the work to raise up more children, but I'm a bit terrified about this pregnancy and how twins will change our lives. So I want to lay it all out on the table. I think it might help me. To pray more. To worry less. Because, oh my gosh we're going to be a family of FIVE! So here goes...

I'm afraid of growing two babies. I'm afraid of what it will do to my body - all the stretching and discomfort.

I'm afraid of bed rest. Because, toddler.

I'm afraid I'm not getting the right nutrients or that I'm eating too much or (could it be possible?) not eating enough - and that somehow I'm already failing them.

I'm afraid they'll both be girls.

I'm afraid they'll both be boys.

I'm afraid I'll give birth too early.

I'm afraid I'll go to 38 weeks.

I'm afraid they'll have to stay in the NICU. I'm afraid of coming home without my babies.

I'm afraid of breastfeeding - that my body cannot keep up with the demands of such a task. I was unable to breastfeed Josiah - I'm afraid of the guilt I'll feel yet again.

I'm afraid of the cost - diapers, formula, baby clothes, furniture, carseats, a new, bigger car, all the things!

I'm afraid I won't be able to parent Josiah the way he needs, that he'll feel rejection at such a young age, and that he might resent me or the babies or both.

I'm afraid I won't allow a ton of help.

I'm afraid I'll depend too much on the help then be SOL when the help is gone and I've gotta do this on my own.

I'm afraid I'll never sleep again.

I'm afraid we'll never get to travel again to see family.

And there. Now I've said it.

Confession is good for the soul. Yes, yes it is.

And hear me, I know: God. Sovereign. Do not worry. Trust and obey. Jesus.

I know all of that.

That's why I have to whisper this to you in the quiet of a confessional instead of just being normal about it, because I know that it's not very Christian to be all up-at-night-terrified. I know.

But I just had to have this moment, this one dark, hushed moment behind a curtain, bowing my head next to a screen to confess it all. Thank you for hearing me.

I'm now in week 12 of this pregnancy and starting to feel a bit more energy. I've not been sick, but more dealing with a random and lingering nausea. I've had to change the frequency in which I eat and that has helped keep the nausea away for now. Hopefully it's gone for good!

One requirement for a pregnancy with multiples is seeing a high risk doctor as well as your regular OB. A couple of days ago I had my first high risk doctor appointment. Aside from the tremendously long wait (I arrived at my appointment time of 12:30, waited 2 hours before being seen, then the ultrasound took longer than I thought, so I wasn't able to walk out the door until about 3:45 to come home), things look good. *note: the high risk doctors come up from Austin once a week, so there will be a wait at these appointments as they try to see as many people as possible - I was warned about this prior*

I get to see my babies every month and then every week once I hit 32 weeks.

My babies. I'm choosing to ignore the financial cost of all these ultrasounds because I'd rather find comfort in getting to see them every month. I got to hear their heart beats this time. So precious.

The sonographer took a ton of measurements. I was offered the first trimester screen testing for genetic disorders like down syndrome. Richard and I had decided against it at our last appointment. It won't change our minds about anything and we're trusting the Lord that we will have healthy little ones. Once the doctor came in to talk with me and informed me that even the genetic stuff is at higher risk in a multiples pregnancy, I started to second guess our decision. I think that's just the worry creeping in. This pregnancy is already so different than my last and I'm still trying to adjust to it. The good news is, they both looked good and right on track with where they should be. My blood pressure was borderline that day - it's something I have to watch as I'm more at risk for pre-eclampsia and preterm labor among other things. I had slightly high blood pressure the majority of my pregnancy with Josiah, but the doctor wasn't too concerned. Aside from the huge weight gain, I had a pretty good pregnancy and felt good. I'm trusting this is just a precaution and that everything will be fine - need to get in some exercise and make sure I'm eating well. Easier said than done some days.

I don't have a baby bump picture for this week, but I'm already showing (and feeling) like I'm a little further along. A little back ache every once and awhile, but other than that, I'm feeling good. Sleep has been a little better. I need to drink more water earlier in the day because I'm getting up way too much at night to potty!

Again, I say how thankful we are for these miracles. All fears aside. For as long as God allows, I will do my very best to mother my second and third children. They are real and they are His and they are ours and we are blessed.