...and then there were FIVE!

We have BIG news...TWINS!!

As many of you know, we've been on this baby journey for a year and a half and were so excited to find out we were finally pregnant in November! We told family right away and a few close friends before sharing with our church small group and Sunday school group. So many have prayed with us through this journey and have encouraged us when I was feeling warn down emotionally. We couldn't wait to share the news with our friends! I have been a bit more cautious this time around and we waited until about the 8 week mark to share with our group of friends and then waited until after my first OB appointment to share with the rest of the world (aka Facebook and Instagram). I'm so glad we did because we discovered that there are not one, but TWO BABIES growing in there! During the ultrasound, the conversation went something like this:

OB: "Well, you're having twins!"
Me: "Are you kidding me?!" (cue sobbing for the remainder of the appointment...)

I remember the morning I found out I was pregnant - there were a lot of tears then too! Tears of absolute joy and praise to the Lord! The tears at my appointment were very much the same - full of joy, excitement, and you betcha - fear!

Let's back up a bit to my OB appointment in October. It was then that my doctor decided to try 3 months of a high dose of clomid to increase our chances of getting pregnant. I was to take 3 pills each day for 5 days then wait - if it didn't work then I'd do it all over again the next month then the next. With clomid there's a small percentage that you could end up with multiples. We were totally aware of this and were completely fine with it because there's always been a possibility we could have twins - my family has two sets of twins and Richard's family has one. We went ahead with the plan for clomid. I took the pills for 5 days and experienced hot flashes like a lady going through menopause. I spent a lot of time praying that month that we would get pregnant. Aside from wanting this to finally happen for us, I didn't want to have to take these pills again (and possibly again). I hated the way they made me feel and not to mention our insurance didn't cover the cost for the prescription and they were not cheap pills to purchase. A few weeks later I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. My heart sank. I waited several more days and when I was late I took another test on a whim because I had an extra and figured "why not?" I just knew I wasn't pregnant, but there was still a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe I was. It showed up positive right away! I could hardly believe it! I called Richard right away sobbing (pretty sure he thought something was wrong).

One of my prayers recently has been that when we found out we were pregnant we would rejoice in the Lord for what he has done. That is exactly what I did when I read that pregnancy test, before I called Richard, or did anything else. I sobbed in the bathroom and gave him all the glory. HE did this! HE answered our prayers! His faithfulness and steadfastness just astounds me sometimes. So when we found out it was twins - can you imagine? We are elated, shocked, joyful, and slightly afraid, but He has taken care of us up to this point, He won't leave us; He is still very much here with us in this journey because it has only just begun!

I've decided I'd really like to continue documenting this journey through this blog. I want to remember everything He has taken us through and will take us through. And if others can relate or feel encouraged by it then that's great! So, I will be giving weekly updates as we go through this new adventure of waiting for our TWINS (I still can't get over that - hehe!). My next blog post will be up sometime this week starting with a confession then a brief fill-in of my week 11 pregnancy with twins.

May you all have a Merry Christmas!

My Whole30 Experience

It seems everyone around me has jumped on the Whole30 bandwagon. I fought with the idea of it for several months. Why? Because I'm stubborn. I've been unhappy with my body and how I was fueling it ever since I gained about 50-60 pounds during my pregnancy. I worked really hard after I had J and lost about 45 pounds in 9 months then I hit a plateau and became complacent. I developed some pretty bad emotional eating habits during that time. I was working out 4 times a week for an hour, but tended to convince myself that I 'deserved' that cookie or that bowl of ice cream because I burned X number of calories that day. A lot of it was because we were going through some stressful things, things that made me feel a variety of emotions and instead of finding comfort in the Lord, I looked for it in the food I was eating. I knew I needed to change, but I fought the idea of this Whole30 thing for several reasons:

• I didn't like how restrictive it was. I wanted to keep eating what I had trained my body to crave - total crap.
• I was scared I would fail. I just knew this was going to be hard because I felt I had no discipline with my food.
• Everyone else was doing it. I wanted my reason to be because I was ready and this is what I wanted, not because a group of my friends were doing it and I felt I need to join them in it too. This needed to be for me.

 This sounds so cliche, but I had one of those days where I just hit bottom. I sobbed over how I looked, how I felt, and how I had failed. I talked to Richard about it and he encouraged me to do Whole30 just to see how it goes. My one requirement was that he do it with me. I needed the moral support and honestly, needed him to be eating what I was eating so I wouldn't be envious of what he got to eat, which I could see would push me to cheat and then have to start over. Thankfully, he was very willing to do this along side me.

What is Whole30?
My very brief explanation is that Whole30 is meant to restart your eating habits. On Whole30 you cut out grains, legumes, dairy, and sugar. So basically you just eat lots of meat, veggies, and fruit. After 30 days of none of these things the idea is to gradually reintroduce each group back into your diet. From what I've read, a lot of people do Whole30 to find and restrict certain foods they may be allergic to/have bad reactions to. A lot of people also go on to eat mostly Paleo afterwards.

My Reasons for Doing Whole30

• Break my bad eating habits/remove cravings.
• Gain control, discipline, and confidence in fueling my body properly.
• Help with our infertility journey (I've read a lot that Whole30 has helped people with their infertility issues - eating healthier can definitely help with that).
• Lose weight/inches - total perk to me as I didn't want this to be the main reason for doing Whole30
• To walk away with a better understanding of myself and my eating habits so I can continue to deal with those emotional issues even after the 30 days is over.

Meals
Thought I'd share some of my favorite meals from our 30 day journey. I'm rather picky when it comes to vegetables and pretty much all other foods (thanks, mom), so there's not a whole lot of variety. I did try some new things that I never really cooked up before and I enjoyed experimenting with seasonings and new ways to cook.
 Samples -
Breakfast:
- scrambled eggs and a banana with cinnamon
- banana with almond butter and a mandarin orange (workout mornings)
- Paleo pancake (one egg mixed with mashed up banana)
- scrambled eggs with chopped up kale and some fruit (strawberries, banana, mandarin orange)

Lunch:
- tilapia filet with garlic seasoning and veggies (broccoli or green beans)
- leftover chicken and veggies (Richard took most of the leftovers to work, so this only happened a few times for me)
- apple slices with almond butter and 2 hard boiled eggs (my easy go-to lunch - must have had it almost everyday towards the end of the 30 days) Surprisingly filling.

Dinner:
- bunless burger with fried egg, lettuce, and tomato (I only had tomato once or twice - not a fan) and sweet potatoes
- tilapia and veggies
- thin boneless pork chops and fresh green beans sauted
- chicken thighs and veggies (this is one of my favorites)
- chicken breasts and veggies (only did this a few times - I'm no good at cooking juicy chicken breasts, they always turn out dry)
- shrimp, kale, and sweet potato skillet (another good one)
-lettuce wrap tacos
- pork roast with veggies or baked sweet potato

Here are some pictures of some of the dinners I made:

shrimp, kale, sweet potato skillet

lettuce wrap tacos with ground chicken breast and avocado

pork roast and cabbage

bunless burger and sweet potatoes

tilapia and salad with avocado dressing

My Experience
I won't give a week by week rundown of my experience, but just know that the first few weeks were a little rough as my body detoxed off all the sugar and processed food I had been eating prior. I was tired, irritable, and having tummy issues. It was kind of funny, the first two days on Whole30 I had two gatherings that surrounded food so I felt like that was my initiation. I made sure I ate before I went hoping that would make things less tempting. It was definitely still tempting, but I was able to say no! After the first two weeks, I began to realize that I totally have the willpower to control what goes in my body - I was becoming much more aware of WHY I wanted it. Some days it was out of boredom, some days it was because I wanted to eat my feelings, and others it was because it was just what I always did. For example, when packing J's snacks. I would usually snag a pretzel or golfish or teddy graham. You know how many back and forth moments I've had with broken pieces of pretzel in the past 30 days?! Seriously, if you could have seen the battle. I laugh about it now, but my goodness. Now, I definitely still want those things, but understand and desire to only treat myself every once and awhile rather than everyday.

My Results
I took before and after pictures, weighed myself, and measured myself throughout the Whole30. They say not to because they don't want to get you sidetracked, but I couldn't help it! I think it actually helped me stay more focused knowing that changes were happening. So here it is, I've lost 20 pounds, dropped about 1 size, and about 12 inches total (hips, waist, chest)!

What's Next?
Richard and I have agreed that we like having just veggies and meat for dinner (cut out the pasta, bread, and other grains), so our plan is to keep our dinners very similar to what they are now. We are spending the rest of this week gradually reintroducing certain foods, starting with certain grains - white rice, oatmeal, and corn. In a few days we'll try dairy. I think we'll gradually add in sugars as we go - I'm going to need some honey in my oatmeal tomorrow morning! We plan to eat like we have been most of the week with a few days (probably the weekends) where we'll cheat a little more. I am definitely going to have some coffee with milk and sugar and some ice cream in the very near future!

My Advice:

• Plan and prep! Use a meal planner for each meal during the week, fill it in with what you will eat, and only eat that. The form I use has the shopping list form just under it so when you grocery shop, you know exactly what to get and only get that! Also, meal prep is huge! Sunday afternoons I would bake chicken breasts and steam veggies for Richard's lunches for the week, pack them up, and stick them in the fridge. Nights that we had chicken thighs I'd make more than necessary so there would be plenty of leftovers. Since I stay home with J, it's easier for me to throw something together for myself so I had no problem giving Richard all the leftovers.
• Budget! The first week we went over our weekly grocery budget - things are more expensive when you're trying to eat healthy. Whole30 suggests you eat all organic, grass-fed stuff, but I quickly learned we can't afford to eat that way all the time, so I made some changes to our plan. Some shopping trips I found grass-fed beef on sale, so I bought it. Same with the all natural, no added hormones and stuff. However, when I just couldn't afford the fancy meat I chose to get the leanest I could find, which is totally ok for Whole30. I chose to focus on what was feasible for us and this is what worked.
• Give yourself grace! I was pretty determined when we started this that I wasn't going to cheat or let myself give in to temptation. I'm here to say that it's totally possible to NOT mess up!! I did not cave once, but I know that given certain circumstances it's really hard to avoid processed food, or some dairy, or even some bread. So with that I say, give yourself grace. If you find yourself in a situation where you have no options (or even if you do and you still mess up), reevaluate and start fresh the next day. One mess up isn't failure. Failure is messing up and then never trying again to better it.
• Don't stress! One thing we decided on before we started Whole30 was to not eat out for the 30 days because we knew it would be really hard to find something at a restaurant that was Whole30 compliant. We know there are places that exist that work for it, but we didn't want the stress of adding yet another thing to plan for when we were already planning every single meal, budget, and such. We knew this decision would help our stress levels stay low, that's what worked for us. If you see potential stresses ahead of time, try to be prepared for them. Don't focus so much on what you CAN'T have - I know it's hard because I found myself saying "I can't have that" A LOT in the last 30 days. I would bring my own snacks to get togethers in order to avoid the sweets and snacks tables.
• Be amazed! Before I started Whole30 I had read "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst, so I was already prepping myself spiritually for this journey with food because, yes, food isn't just a physical-rely-on-your-own-discipline thing. I prayed a lot throughout this Whole30 journey. For little stuff like "not letting my detoxing irritably hurt anyone today" or "please help me through the emotional reason I'm wanting to eat ice cream right now." Take every little victory and treat it like a huge one! Be amazed at what your body can do and what you can do when you allow yourself to be disciplined and allow God to be a part of that discipline. Sure, I lost 20 lbs, but only went down 1 size in pants. I could totally sit here and allow myself to be disappointed in that or I could embrace it and accept it as growth (in a smaller direction) and be motivated to keep going.

This has been a really good experience for me. It was WAY more than wanting to lose a few more pounds. It was about starting over, starting fresh, and seeing the potential I have in how I can live my life in a pleasing way to God - with my food.

I used to be fat. Now I'm a little less fat ;)

Keep My Eyes Above the Waves

 Quick Update:
Yesterday we got some good news after I had an HSG test done (if you must know details, check out what this test is here). They found nothing abnormal - and for that we praise Him! We continue to wait for results from Richard's SA test and my appointment in October to determine our next step.

I woke up this morning craving the comfort of my god. This little infertility journey we're on is an emotional one and I constantly find myself needing stability when so many things around us are whirling and not in one piece. I was reminded of a song we sing at church and cried out in worship to Him.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

We are not promised an easy life, even as Christians. In fact, we are told it will be hard. The thing is, He is always there with us to bring comfort and strength. Instead of being upset and angry, I run to him to find rest; to find comfort while we wait in the unknown. My heart cry is that I will learn to trust Him without limits, meaning, wherever He guides me - in goodness and in trials - I will trust in Him and in His plan FULLY. I have to stop putting limits on God. I have to stop trusting him just a little bit and give Him all my trust. It's hard, people, but it's so incredibly humbling and completely worth it! My faith is being made stronger because of this; because of this journey; because of His love for us and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

I am His and He is mine in ALL things.

Project: Cheap Pantry Organization!

Let me start by saying how much I hate loathe our kitchen. It's small, the countertops are awful, the fridge spot is too small for a normal size fridge, and the pantry...oh the pantry! Because of the location and size of the refrigerator space we have no door on our pantry. With the addition of a toddler in the past two years, we've set up a baby gate to keep him out of there - oh so classy and chic, I know. Knowing the things I dislike about our kitchen I have had to remind myself of the lovely things about it. The cabinets are in decent shape, there are windows all around so it's easy to watch J play outside without actually having to be outside with him 100% of the time *gasp*, and I love that it's open and flows into the dining and living room areas.

I really enjoy entertaining. We don't do it nearly as often as we would like, but it holds a special place in my heart nonetheless. I don't, however, like that everyone who comes over can see right into our messy, unkempt pantry. There's no junk drawer or closet to throw it into when guests arrive. It's always out in the open, nowhere to hide. Over the past few months I had grown pretty tired of the way it was{not}taken care of. I started pinning organization ideas on Pinterest and finding ways to do it on the cheap. So, today I share with you the how and what I used to tackle this project!

Take a look at the hideous before picture:

Even the lighting is bad. Ugh. I had a plan for where I wanted things to go, so my first step was to take everything out. Y'all, my kitchen was FILLED with this junk as I cleaned off the shelves and swept up the floor. Next, I started grouping items - bread, snacks, J's inside/outside toys (crayons, chalk, bubbles, etc), baking goods, and spices/seasonings. I also gathered up my cookbooks and organized them for the pantry - they had been sitting on the kitchen counter taking up space and collecting dust. Once I had cleaned everything out I started with the large appliances, which I put on the bottom shelf - no appliances on the floor! Yay! I placed my grouped items in plastic containers and baskets. All my cookbooks went into 3 separate magazine holders and all the plastic wrap, tin foil, wax paper, and ziploc bags went into another 3 separate magazine holders. On the top shelf I organized all my glass jars, vases, and serving platters/dishes and I was DONE!

What I bought:

• 4 medium rectangular plastic containers - I found mine at Target for $5 each
• 3 small rectangular plastic baskets - Target $1 bins
• 6 cardboard magazine holders - again, Target $1 bins *cha-ching!* I love Target :)
• 2 - 12 inch round turntables for two of the shelves corners - Bed, Bath & Beyond $7.99 each, but I had a 20% coupon for one of them

The final result:

 Even the lighting is better! It's nothing too drastic, but it's enough change that I love it and it's so much more functional!

What other ways do you organize pantry items?

Roll with It

This week has already started off very different than I had planned. And that's ok. I have been toying with the idea for awhile of taking a break from Facebook and Sunday evening I decided that, come Monday morning, I would follow through with that idea. So far, so good. I like social media (for me just Facebook, Instagram, and this blog), but there are times when it just gets to be too much. Everyone's little moments can be viewed at a click of a button or app on your phone instantly. It was getting to be overwhelming for my heart and for my level of confidence and self-esteem. See, it's easy to compare yourself to the things you see posted, which for me can cause struggles with my insecurities. I'm in a place right now that I needed to remove that temptation. I needed to free myself and my time to focus on the things that truly matter. So here I am, day 2 and going strong! I've decided to share any moments and/or events on my blog because to be honest, it helps keep our families in the loop (Facebook is a GREAT resource for our far away families). Plus I like writing and have failed to keep this little blog up and running for quite some time.

Monday marked the day of a new month - hello, September! Happy belated Labor Day as well! It was also a day I had planned to start my "2 year old homeschool preschool" with Josiah. Sadly, I've postponed it to next week and here are the reasons why: 1) slight car issues 2) serious tooth pain that has left me feeling absolutely miserable and so so tired! Sunday we got new tires on the car knowing there was a broken stud that needed to be fixed. Mechanics were closed Monday (duh), so today we've had to take the car in to be worked on. Nothing too horrific, just a little wrench in our original plans, but we're rolling with it. Several weeks ago I went in to get some fillings done at the dentist. Toward the middle of last week one of the fillings (and surrounding area) started hurting. The pain quickly became unbearable over the weekend and my home remedies weren't helping at all! I've not slept very well that past few nights and all the tylenol I've been taking to help ease the pain (which hasn't done much) have left me feeling pretty icky. Called the dentist this morning, shared my painful story, and was informed the earliest I could be seen would be tomorrow morning. The NEXT DAY?! The. Next. Day. I literally started crying on the phone, both from the pain I was feeling in my mouth and the pain I was feeling in my heart for having to deal with this awfulness for one whole day more. Definitely praying it gets fixed tomorrow and does not need a second appointment to make it better. Have I mentioned it's been awful? Sigh.

Needless to say, Josiah has been stuck playing in the house and backyard when I had planned to get out and do some fun activities with him at home. Next week, people. Next week. We've watched a lot of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood in the past two days...

He rarely sits still, but he will for Daniel Tiger.

There are many ways to watch his favorite show {don't let the undies fool you, he still refuses to go on the potty and is not potty trained}

Seriously loves this show

Next week I hope to share some of our "mini lessons" and outings from our first week of my version of homeschool for a 2 year old. He has very little attention span, so this should be interesting. Also, I'll be working on more projects using my new Silhouette Cameo that I can't wait to share!

Our Latest Journey

Some things in life are scary. Certain struggles are brief, some long, and others seemingly longer than any other struggle you've ever dealt with in life because you're smack dab in the middle of it. And that's scary. It's scary to sit down and try to put your thoughts, feelings, and emotions into writing for the world to see (or at least the few people who may stumble across your little blog). Although it's scary, you know that writing it all out and sharing about your experience will be somewhat therapeutic - a release of the pain you've been carrying around. Your struggle can be an encouragement to others and be a light in a dark place. I've debated sharing this journey because it's so personal, but I choose to not be scared anymore...

The Back Story

Two and half years ago we welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. I can still recall the day I found out I was pregnant. There were lots of tears. Real sobbing tears. This was not supposed to happen yet - we had a plan! Needless to say, baby J was a surprise. We were preventing pregnancy and ended up getting pregnant anyway. This was my first firm reminder that God is in control regardless of any other kind of plan I had in mind. Once I came to terms with the fact that we were going to have a baby and that everything would be OK because God will take care of our needs, I was joyful and fell in love with this little guy. Let me just say, he has stolen a huge part of my heart. I have the pleasure of getting to stay home with him and I have loved getting to experience every little moment with him watching him learn and grow.

The Here and Now
We've always talked about having children relatively close in age - a couple years apart maybe. So last summer we actually started trying. This was all new to us as J was not planned, so I tried the best I could to prepare myself for the possibility it wouldn't happen the first month. A couple months went by and I was a mess. Me, the person with a plan and following it to the T, and nothing was happening. The frustration and emotions were taking a toll on me - I wanted this to happen soon; I wanted it so badly and had been praying for this! I decided to scale back on playing the numbers game and watching the calendar so closely - I had to let go a little bit...and I could so see God chuckling to himself. Who's in control? Definitely not me. Yet another not-so-gentle reminder. A few more months passed and I was still feeling pretty discouraged when a friend of mine shared a verse with me:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  

-Romans 15:13 (NIV)

I also love this translation:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

 -Romans 15:13 (NLT)

This verse is posted in my kitchen. I read it every single day as a reminder to stay hopeful. It is my daily prayer. I've spent a number of times in frustration because I couldn't understand why we weren't pregnant yet - I'm pretty sure everything is in working order and then there's our firstborn who we didn't even try for, why hasn't this happened for us yet? After reading this verse I knew I needed to change my focus. My time with God needed to be more evident. I needed to trust in Him and his timing. I needed to be HOPEFUL instead of discouraged. Where do I get my hope? In Him. Yes, my husband has been a wonderful encourager and the few friends that are aware of our journey have been such precious sounding boards and prayer warriors for us, but the Lord is the only one who has carried me through each day. He is there each time I watch my son play with my friends' babies and my heart aches for a baby brother or sister for him. Each time another friend announces they're expecting - I am beyond thrilled for them, but oh how it tugs at my heart wishing I was the one announcing that very thing. Each time I'm shopping for new clothes for J and I walk by the infant outfits and have to force myself to walk away before I get too sentimental over a onesie. Each time I feel guilt for wanting another child when there are people out there that are struggling to have their first. It has been one year and two months and I continue to strive to be hopeful in my waiting. My God has been so faithful to me and my family. He is my source of hope. Everyday.

*Currently we are waiting for my Ob appointment in September before we can find out what our next step is. Again, more waiting. I call each week to see if there have been any cancellations in hopes I can get in earlier, but so far no luck. If you would like, please pray for my family's journey through this process. We don't know the Lord's plan, but we know how big our God is and what he will do for his children. We continue to hold on to the promise of having another child. Our deepest thanks.