Week 32

I had to invest in some larger new maternity shirts this week to accommodate this growing belly. They're getting bigger at a quick rate and along with that the extra weight is making it more difficult to stand/sit upright for very long. As uncomfortable as it is, I gladly welcome the growth knowing that will help them even more if they are to be born early.

During this morning's monitoring I started having contractions that quickly became regular - about 5 minutes apart. I immediately began praying that I wouldn't have a repeat of the last time I had regular contractions and that it wouldn't progress further. This time the doctor let me drink extra water on my own to see if the fluids would help slow the contractions rather than hooking me up to an IV for fluids. The contractions lasted awhile longer and I ended up being on the monitor for them until about 3pm. It was a long morning. Thankfully, as I kept drinking water and the day went on, the contractions had slowed down quite a bit. I'm still having some every now and then, but they are not nearly as painful or consistent. Hoping for some good sleep tonight.

The sonographer came in today to do my first of two weekly ultrasounds. The babies look great. Friday they will do a growth assessment on them. I'm looking forward to seeing how much bigger they are compared to three weeks ago.

As we were finishing up with the ultrasound the MFM doctor came in to check in on things. We talked about several things, but naturally was not given anything concrete...you just can't have concrete plans when it comes to twins or going into labor in general. I asked about how much longer they'd keep me here and if they'd check my cervix for any further dilation and such. Originally he stated he'd have someone come today to check dilation and then based on that, possibly allow me to be discharged this week. With further conversation we ended up coming to the decision that I'll stay here a couple more weeks (until 34 weeks) before they consider discharging me. This is based on multiple factors, but one of the main reasons is the distance from our house to the hospital, which is my biggest concern. I'm staying here longer largely due to it being my choice. I feel more comfortable being here at this point in the pregnancy in case something were to happen. My worry is that I go home this week and the contractions continue and escalate and then I'm an hour away from the hospital that has the facilities to deliver twins this early (my hospital back home does not). I obviously, really want to be home. I was a bit emotional when I told Richard about the decision because I miss him, but ultimately have to think of what's best for us and our little girls. He completely agrees and is so supportive and that is definitely helpful for me in hanging in there while my stay is prolonged.

This is no vacation, y'all. Yes, it's the best for me and the babies to be in a place where I'm forced to not do anything - going home (even on bedrest) would not look the same as it does here, too much temptation to "do" even the little things. However, as much as I've heard "enjoy it while I can" there is just no way that's possible. This is not enjoyable. It is not relaxing. It's boring. It's lonely. It's all consuming and you spend so much time thinking. I'm not complaining though, because the Lord has taught me so much during my time here - he has taught me to allow others to serve me and my family, he has shown me who he is and what he can do time and time again, he has even shown me the tough reality of who my true friends are. He has taught me not to fear him and his plan, but to trust and rely on him completely in all things. There is so much unknown and for this type A, planner lady, I've actually learned to rest in that rather than try to control and know it all. I am so humbled by him and his ways and could not be any more grateful for that. These babies aren't the only things that are growing on this journey.

Week 31

Pretty sure the belly grew overnight this week. The girls won't be measured for growth again until this next week, but if they aren't 4 pounds each right now, they are definitely very close...and momma's feeling it!

Last Friday evening was a bit of a scare (at 30 weeks - didn't make the blog because I had posted already). I was having contractions most of the day. By the time they did the monitoring in the evening they had become pretty consistent and slightly more intense. The nurse came in and told me they were about 5 minutes apart and that she was going to call the doctor to see what needed to be done. At that point they put an IV in and got me started on fluids. I had called Richard to fill him in and about 2 minutes after getting off the phone with him I texted him telling him I needed him here. I had no idea what was going to happen and I didn't want to deal with it alone. I was hooked up to the IV for the remainder of the night. Thankfully the fluids helped slow the contractions and we didn't have to resort to magnesium - it helps protect the babies' brain as well as relax the uterus, but it also makes momma feel yucky with flu-like symptoms...and I was not looking forward to that. Since that night I've been fine. I've had some contractions, but they're irregular and not really painful. So thankful. My level of discomfort in general has increased though. These girls are growing and completely taking over my body. As much as I want my body back, I want to keep them growing for a little while longer, so endure it, I must. It will be so worth it.

I knew going into the week, this weekend would be a bit more tough for me. Mom left for Oregon on Friday and will be back really late Monday night. One last little break before the long haul of waiting on these precious girls to be born and I'm really going to want my momma here. She came Monday and Wednesday with Josiah and several of our friends have been gracious enough to help take care of Josiah the other days since our help is gone. Richard gets him all weekend - they need some guy time. It'll be good for them.

I had a couple friends come by and visit this week, which I always look forward to. It helps pass the time faster and makes me feel fairly normal to be socializing with friends. This week I felt some serious boredom though. The visits were great, but it was the rest of the day that was hard. There's only so much TV/movies I can watch, reading I can do, and crafting I can craft before I'm ready for some normalcy. Y'all, I really do miss the running and chasing Josiah around, playdates, grocery shopping, and housework. I'm trying to 'enjoy' this time to myself as much as possible because I know life is going to get really crazy once these sweet girls are here, but it is so hard when I'm missing home and what I knew as my everyday life.

I'll be 32 weeks in a few days and we will be rejoicing in that! Towards the end of the week, the doctor will reassess me and our situation in order to decide if they'll keep me here a little longer or send me home. To be honest, I'm not sure which I would prefer. As much as I want to be home, I'm much more comfortable being here especially after the episode from last week. I'd rather be here if something were to happen since this is where I'd have to go anytime before 36 weeks. I've managed almost 3 weeks here, what's a few more? Please pray for clarity for the doctors and for comfort and acceptance for me with whatever the decision is.

Did some more bow making this week

Finally watched Beauty and the Beast AND enjoyed a very tasty bag of movie mix popcorn from a friend

My sweet babies on Mother's Day

Finally got to spend a Mother's Day with my mom in the 8 years I've lived in Texas

My gift to her - 3 grandbabies

Week 30!

My uterus has reached full term for a singleton, so all growing from here on out is going to be a bit rough and it started this week. So. Uncomfortable.

Hitting 30 weeks of pregnancy has been a big goal for me. There's just something about that number, like I'm in the home stretch and we're going to be ok. We've also managed to survive a week and a half with me on hospital bedrest. Y'all, it has been a roller coaster of emotions! So many ups and downs and so many things to be grateful for.

It took a couple of days before I started to feel the isolation and loneliness. I was so blessed by my small group girlfriends making a trip to be with me the second day I was here. Along with Richard spending as much time as he could those first few days and mom visiting with Josiah. When the weekend hit and I was alone a bit more during the day (a 3 year old boy does not do well cooped up in a hospital room full of things he can't touch), I became very emotional. I cried a lot that weekend. I wanted to just be home with my family. I wanted the comfort of my own environment and the ease of seeing friends. Monday was particularly rough this week when mom brought Josiah to visit. He didn't want much to do with me and kept asking to go home. He's 3 and in an unfamiliar place (and pretty moody that day too), but it hurt my heart a little. I just miss being with him, being his mom all day, every day. I've had to give up SO much control during this pregnancy, it felt like that was the moment I had given up the last of it and it was tough.

Mom is doing great with Josiah and we have a schedule figured out for him so he has some consistency and normalcy. He comes to visit me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning for a couple hours then again at least once on the weekends. Mom has joined a bible study at our church once a week, so she gets out, gets fed (and a break from J), and Josiah gets to interact with other kids. Some friends are planning on taking J for playdates every once and awhile too so he can see his friends. Richard's work schedule varies, but he's been able to stay the night a couple times this week and work from the CISCO office near the hospital. He usually comes by afterwards before heading home. Saying goodbye sure is tough. I sure do miss that man.

As far as me and the girls - we're doing well. Babies are having great NST results - they're monitored twice a day. I've had some contractions, but nothing too consistent or intense. I get ultrasounds twice a week - Tuesday and Friday. The girls are doing everything they should be doing during those - practice breathing, movements, heart rates, etc. And are weighing in about 3lbs 5oz each! The other day Richard and I were able to tour the NICU here and be filled in on "what if" scenarios. It was a bit overwhelming to see the little babies in there and imagine our girls joining them soon, but it was also very humbling to be reminded that we're blessed to have made it to 30 weeks - a lot of those babies were born much earlier and are still hanging on. The Lord is taking care of us, He really is. And if our sweet Ellie and Nora end up needing to stay in the NICU for some time, that will just be another chapter to our journey and we're a little more prepared for it now.

How long will I be here? We were given an idea, but nothing is concrete because obviously we really don't know what's going to happen or when these girls will join us. I've been told I will be here at least until 32 weeks, but sounds like it could very well be 34 weeks or longer. They will reassess things at 32 weeks. Since I've already started to dilate they are not checking my cervix anymore as it might bring on preterm labor, but they plan to try to check it digitally to see how it's holding up - baby A is really low, so that may be too difficult to find out. We'll have to wait and see.

The owners of the therapy dogs came by again last night. It's amazing how seeing and petting those furry friends can be so uplifting. I like seeing those pups every week. Every Thursday afternoon there's a social hour for the ladies in antepartum. I was looking forward to going to that today, but the lady who leads it was out sick so it was canceled. Maybe next week I can update on how that goes. It would be nice to meet some of the other women who are going through similar circumstances. Instead a friend came by today with her two little girls - it was great to visit with her and I'm so grateful she was willing to make the drive to come see me.

I know I've said this before, but I continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our friends and church body. To see God using them to bless and serve us is so touching. I'm rarely on the receiving side of such servanthood, but what a good reminder for me - who am I to rob them of the blessing God is giving them by serving us? I need to learn to say yes (and actually come up with good answers to the question: "what can I do for you today?" That's still a toughie for me). It's also so refreshing to know who is truly there for you - whether you let me know you're praying, text or email me to check in, or you manage to find a way to drive down here to visit me - all of it I'm grateful for and feel so loved. So many of you have littles, so I understand making the drive to Austin is just not feasible - that's one downside to being here.

I've been very encouraged this week. The Lord is using all of this in so many different ways and for so many different people. My hope is that our story can be used for His good. I read this in one of my devotionals this week and I just loved it and have held on to it:

Relax in the knowledge that the One who controls your life is totally trustworthy. Come to Me with confident expectation. There is nothing you need that I cannot provide.

We are being held by Him and continue to hope in Him as we wait in expectation for our sweet girls.

Mom helping clean up my toes...they needed some serious love

Little guy wanted in on it too. He's such a good helper.

He's such a spot stealer! But oh so cute!

Got a few little snuggles in :)

Coloring and drawing...for about 5 seconds ;)

Worked on some bow making today!

Week 29: Admitted for Monitoring

Here we are, week 29, and it's been a very emotional day! After a pretty good check up with my OB yesterday, today was not as I was expecting. I went in for my weekly MFM appointment as usual. Babies looked great just as they always do. It's my darn cervix that won't cooperate. Today they could not get any measurements of my cervix - as in, it was too short to measure. Instead they discovered I am dilated about 0.5cm, which sounds like no big deal to some (heck, I walked around at 3cm for a couple months when I was pregnant with Josiah before I ever went into labor), but when you're carrying multiples and have the high risk factors I've had, it's cause for concern. So I was told that I needed to be admitted to the hospital to be monitored...for who knows how long. Thankfully it was not an emergency, so I had time to go home and pack a bag and drive down to Austin.

Let me pause here and say that there is much to be thankful for. We have some awesome friends who are so willing to help in any way, especially with Josiah. I am thankful my mom was with me at the appointment - yes, there's been a lot of crying today. And just the amount of prayers being sent up by friends and family has been encouraging. Seriously. So grateful.

As I said, I needed to head to Austin to be admitted. Seton Medical Center does not have a NICU facility. My doctor mentioned Scott & White as an option, but we ultimately decided on St. David's North Austin Medical Center - this is where all my MFM doctors are; they know us, they know our history. This makes things a little more complicated as it's 45 minutes away from home, but we're taking it one day at a time. Right now, my mom is here with me, Josiah is with a friend, and Richard is about to get off work to come be with me (he had a pretty full schedule today and couldn't get away until later in the day). He will probably stay the night with me and we'll see what happens tomorrow. We could be here for a couple of days or it could be weeks, we don't know yet.

So what have they done since I was admitted? They hooked me up to some fetal monitors to track the babies and my contractions - the nurse preferred to call them "irritations" since they aren't very strong and basically a blip on the screen. I had more blood drawn for some lab work and an IV put in, but is not being used yet. They gave me some medicine to help relax my uterus to keep the contractions away and I get to wear these lovely compression wraps on my legs to help prevent blood clots since I'm on bedrest still.

We are prayerful that the Lord will keep these girls safe and healthy and inside for a little longer. At this point the babies look great and we should be grateful we've already had one round of steroid shots. Their main concern right now is making sure I don't go into preterm labor and that I'm safe and healthy. Please pray with us. God is so much bigger than my fear and uncertainty. He will be my strength and my comfort. He has a plan and it is perfect.

(I will read those last few sentences often as a reminder. Because, hello. Hormones.)

Week 28: Nursery & News

Week 28: Baby A just chillin' (bottom) and Baby B throwing up peace signs (top)

Well, I managed to survive my first week of bedrest. The first couple of days weren't too bad, then the boredom and monotony of it all sank in. It was such a God-thing that Richard's furlough was the remainder of that week. Having him home and taking care of things helped make the transition much easier for me. Plus, I really enjoyed watching him and Josiah have some good quality time together - as exhausting as it was for him, I'm sure he loved it too.

The out-pouring of love from our friends has amazed me! For that first week, we did not have to worry about a single meal as we were provided for almost each night (the other nights we had plenty of leftovers). I've had a few visitors, which has really helped break up the moments of boredom. And the thoughtfulness for us and Josiah is astounding - that kid has been showered with love as well with new toys and little activities to keep him busy. He and I had some good times coloring together and snuggling on the couch. It was precious time spent.

Over the weekend I allowed myself to go upstairs ONCE to help finish up the nursery for the twins. I directed where things needed to be hung and where to place certain items. Getting it done was two-fold: I was dying to have it ready so I could cross it off my list AND we needed it to be a less cluttered, usable space for our visitors to sleep.

So here we are, the nursery is pretty much done (minus a few more needed items to purchase)!

One VERY full closet for two very blessed little girls!

Cribs complete with coordinating baby blankets a friend made along with matching letter art I made

More clothes in that dresser and changing station

Simple wall decor and the glider where I envision rocking these sweet littles

It's a small space, but it's perfect! I sat in there for a bit afterwards to take it all in and pray for our girls. I wish I could do that everyday, but the Lord knows my heart.

For someone on bedrest, my week is filling up! Monday Richard's mom arrived from Georgia to help out with Josiah and such for a week. My mom is driving from Oregon (leaving Thursday, will arrive Sunday or Monday) and will be here until after the girls arrive to help out. Yes, a long visit, but we've already been pretty open about expectations when communicating and getting over getting on each other's nerves ;) I've got a few days this week when I'll have some friends stop by to visit - so thankful! I sure do miss seeing my people!

It was nice to get out of the house for a bit this morning for my MFM appointment. A quiet drive in the car and some new scenery does a heart good. I was especially anxious about my appointment as I was hopeful there'd be some improvement in my status. I was pretty disappointed when I found out there wasn't, but I held it together - no crying! ...until I got home. Last week I was measuring at 1.3cm to 1.7cm and this week I was measuring 1.0cm to 1.4cm, which in doctor world is "about the same" since they don't really read too much into the minor millimeter differences. I, on the other hand, look at it very differently. I couldn't dwell on it too much when I was talking to my doctor because he brought up a couple other things. My blood pressure was a bit high again this week and since it had been like that for a couple weeks he wanted to do some lab tests for pre-eclampsia to be sure. So, I went across the hall to my OB's office and had blood drawn for that. He encouraged me to lay down a bit more if possible to make sure I'm keeping as much pressure off my cervix as possible. I will probably have to spend more time in bed than on the couch, sadly. I've been avoiding doing that only because I don't want to feel isolated at all - I still want to be around my son and feel like I'm a part of things, so this will be even more difficult emotionally.

He saved the baby info for last. Their heartbeats were good, as usual. They are growing well - each one weighs about 2lbs 12ounces now. They checked for their practice breathing and they're doing well with that. They also checked their umbilical cord flow. Baby A was great, but Baby B had some interruption, which the doctor explained can be normal with twins. He told me since the umbilical cord is like a hose, certain movement or baby's position can put pressure on the cord/limit flow to the baby. He said he wasn't too concerned about it and that we'll look again next week.

Y'all. I'm overwhelmed. The reality of these girls being born so early is starting to sink in. I'm frustrated. I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do! I don't want a short cervix. I don't want pre-eclampsia. I don't want to meet them until they are grown. I don't want them in the NICU. Yet, I know God is good and that he has a plan for them and it's going to be ok. I have to keep trusting that. I have to keep His hope in my heart. His word; His truth will sustain me.

Please pray:
-For my time on bedrest - my emotional well-being along with it physically helping me and my body
-For the babies - they continue growing well and that no further issues with umbilical cord flow
-For a negative result for pre-eclampsia and that my blood pressure will stabilize
-For my emotions regarding Josiah - he's excited grandma is here, but as I was expecting he's testing me more by not obeying as well, being manipulative, and really not wanting anything to do with me (I've cried a few times because he's refused to even sit by me or want mommy to do anything). Again, I know this was expected, but it sure hurts my heart when I already feel like I'm giving over my authority as mom.
-For the hubby - that he will be encouraged, strengthened, and refreshed while dealing with my emotions as well as the grandmas staying with us and helping. It can be overwhelming to have people in your space for a time.
-For the Lord to give me strength as we tackle each day and each piece of news through this journey - that others will see Him through our story

Week 27: Some Not So Great News

What a whirlwind of emotions today has been! I will say right now that I'm still processing everything and may seem a bit all over the place. So here we go...

Today's MFM appointment was not great. Every week when I drive in to Harker Heights I spend the majority of my drive praying that everything is fine and that my nerves will be calmed. Today was no different, only I was not prepared to be as floored as I was. Babies heart rates looked good, blood pressure was ok (the top number was a tad higher), and then they measured my cervix...length ranged from 1.3 cm to 1.7 cm - I literally had the doctor repeat the results because I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. Last week was so hopeful with some improvement (2.5 cm to 3.0 cm) and then BAM! Such a drastic drop. It was frustrating, to say the least. I couldn't contain it and burst into tears. She reassured me that this wasn't something I did and that it's something that is common in women carrying twins, but I was still flooded with emotion. She immediately ordered full bed rest (basically I'm allowed to potty when I need to and take quick showers, but the remainder of my days are to be spent on the couch or in bed until further notice) and gave me steroid shots to help speed up our babies lung development since my risk of preterm labor is even higher now.

I don't even really know how to begin describing all that I'm feeling. This entire journey has been about hope and trust and in order to have those things I have to give up control, which is a challenge for me. I've been trying to remind myself of the Lord's truth all day; to rely on that and be encouraged by that, but I'm an emotional being and sometimes I just need a good cry (or several)!

Preterm labor scares me some. I want these babies to stay inside me awhile longer and grow healthy and strong. God has his hands on them and has a plan and a purpose for them - I need to trust in that.

Although bed rest will be good for me and the babies, it's hard to be ok with it. To give up my responsibilities to another is hard, especially regarding Josiah. I've already been feeling like I'm losing some of my authority over him as his parent - I worry that bed rest will only make that worse. I don't want to be secluded from my family and let someone else essentially raise him for the time being. I'm mom, that's my job!

I've never been really good at asking for help - I like to figure things out on my own a lot of the time. So I'm continuing to struggle with relying on others to help. One of the worst questions for me to answer right now is "How can I help?" and one of the worst statements for me to respond to is "Let me know if there is anything I can do." Half the time I don't know what things will help and the other half is I don't want to be a burden; there HAS to be a way that me and my husband can figure out a way to deal with this and still take care of Josiah. I know, ridiculous. God gave us a village; a community. USE THEM, DUH. Please love me through this time and try to understand who I am and that God is changing me. It overwhelms me to come up with a list of ways for people to help my family out - it makes me feel selfish or self-involved and that is so not me. I know my feelings aren't truth, but it's going to take me a bit to find the strength to lean on the help God provides us. It's not personal, promise.

Currently, I am thankful Richard has the rest of the week off so he can help and that gives us time to arrange plans for his mom and my mom to come out to help take care of Josiah.

Please pray for:
-Bed rest to help lengthen things and show improvement as well as keep these babies cooking for awhile longer
-My emotions and spiritual encouragement - that giving up control will come more easily to me. It will be better for everyone if I'm not stressing myself out over things I can't control.
-Be ok with people in my space and helping.
-My sweet husband. Give him good rest and enough energy to manage everything until long term help arrives. Oh and the sanity he needs to manage me and my emotions.

The Lord has provided so much for us already on so many levels - physical, emotional, and spiritual. I need to trust that He will continue to do so. That he will use his people to uplift us and pray for us.

Oh and that I'd get visitors every once and awhile because I ain't leaving this house for awhile.

Week 26

Definitely been rather uncomfortable the past several days and this picture shows the reason - the girls have been growing! Had my MFM appointment today and discovered Baby A is about 2 lbs 4 ounces and Baby B is weighing in at 2 lbs 1 ounce! Just a couple weeks ago they were each about a 1 lb and a half - they've been busy, busy! The ultrasound tech gave me some more detailed pictures this week, which was really nice.

Baby A

Might be hard to tell, but this Baby A's face. She was folded in half and curled up, so getting a good shot of her was difficult. Her hand is up by her forehead and her leg and foot are folded across her body.

Baby B

Hello, Baby B! That's her arm straight up beside her face (and baby A right up against her arm). That little nose and those cheeks! Both girls take after their brother in that department!

It was so neat and comforting to see them in 4D this week. As my mother would say "they are so real!" Well thank goodness I've been growing real babies versus fake ones for the past 6 months!

P.S. I love you, mom ;)

We got some good news this week regarding my cervix - thank you, Jesus! All my measurements were between 2.5 cm and 3.0 cm, which is improvement from last week. I'm not sure what to attribute to that other than the Lord's goodness and maybe the rest I've been getting. Praying this improvement continues, as having it fluctuate from week to week is rather taxing on this hormonal momma! This also means they're holding off on the steroid shots - that will be revisited again next week if my numbers get smaller again.

Needless to say, I'm in a good mood today. No tears on the drive home - hooray! Instead I was imagining holding them in my arms at 36 weeks old (at least) and kissing those chubby cheeks. I want so badly to provide them a comfortable environment in my body so they will continue to grow and thrive before greeting us in person. Hold on, girls, just a little bit longer!

I've been trying to rest as much as possible and to know when I need to stop or when something is too much. I'm kind of a bad gauge at this because I'm so type A and like to take care of things. I've been a tad more emotional the past few days as a result - I hate feeling like a lazy mom and wife. I know I'm not. Really, I do know this. It can just be hard for me to give up control in certain areas, especially when it involves taking care of my family - my job; my life; my loves. I think having felt so uncomfortable this past weekend was a good thing for me. It forced me to freely say "no, I'm going to sit on the couch and do nothing the majority of the day" and BE OKAY WITH IT. God knows me. He knows I can't control this and he knows I hate that I can't control this. He also knows that's when I open my eyes and realize (yet again. sigh.) who I need to be relying on. Funny how he tends to teach me to same lesson over and over through various journey's...you'd think I'd get it by now. But I know I've grown in relationship with Him, in hope, at least a little bit each time. He's always there. So grateful for that love.

Some days, watching J is a breeze and others can be a bit more challenging - as is with any toddler! I love that my husband works from home. It's rather comforting knowing he's right there if I ever need him for anything. J and I have been getting a little stir crazy lately though. Tired of being on the couch, in the living room, watching tv, and playing with low key toys. So, yesterday I asked hubby to get his water table out of the shed. J and I filled it up. Mommy sat in a chair on the patio and enjoyed the beautiful weather and sounds of a happy, almost naked little boy splashing in the water. It may not be much, but it was enough. For both of us.

Before the clothes came off...

I purposely don't plan a whole lot during the week anymore - it's all in an effort to try not to over-schedule my life when I should be taking it easy. Random play dates here and there I can totally handle, but my normal "to-do" lists have gone bye-bye for the time being. This coming weekend I'm hoping to get decor up on the walls in the nursery and have the hubby finish putting together some furniture...then hopefully I can post some pictures! We're also planning a date night. We haven't been out on a date in a couple months. Definitely going to keep it simple and probably just go see a movie and grab a bite to eat somewhere. We just need time together. So looking forward to it!